It’s lunch time, so I take a break from the gym and head over to this new AA meeting a block away. I got tired of the arrogant, know-it-all pricks at the Easy Does It Club. I grab a cup of coffee and sit way in the back. Minutes later this MILF looking broad walks in and sits down next to me. She seems energetic to the point I can tell she’s new to the program. After she puts down her phone she says ‘sorry I didn’t say anything when I first came in. How are you?’ I tell her I’m fine. Without wanting to come off as a quietly desperate rude fuck, I ask her ‘is this your first time here?’ She tells me she’s still in rehab; that she already did 60 days and has another week of outpatient at a facility in Punta Gorda. I can tell she’s enjoying our conversation, and it’s refreshing for once to feel relaxed during one. She introduces herself as Jennifer and I tell her my name’s “Kyle” because I’ve decided to be a fuck boi and start lying to folks for sport. Plus I only have 4 months left living in this nursing home of a town so I might as well splurge out any not-giving-a-fuck energy I have left. But the meeting’s about to start and Jennifer gets cut off mid-sentence while telling me how her daughter means the world to her. They pass the basket around so people could donate money to whomever set this scam of a meeting up. It doesn’t cost more than $5 for a pot of coffee and cookies. These brainwashed wrinkled up twats know this deep down but are afraid to say anything. After 20 minutes I get up for my third cup of coffee because I want to make sure the dollar I donated is well spent. Just like all the other meetings people are praising this program and how God and the steps saved their lives. During the next lull in the meeting, I raise my hand, ‘Hi my name is Kyle and I’m an alcoholic.’ ‘HI KYLE,’ my fellow brainwashed roars back. I’m definitely going to give them the brutal truth of their shitty program. ‘well I’d just like to say I enjoy the fellowship here and how this program taught me how to stay sober 115 days. before this failure was the only option living the way I was living. Now I know failure is just an option. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. It works if you work it! I’ll keep coming back.” Lol I chickened out. Anyways at the end of the meeting everybody circles up; to my left Jennifer palms her right hand into my left. I immediately visualize smashing this MILf who is 20 years older than me. At the end of the Lord’s Prayer I hold the door open for Jennifer and we finish up our earlier conversation. She tells me about her daughter and how they’re going to live together. This somehow weaves into a discussion about how in the 3 months I’ve gotten out of rehab I’ve only been on 2 dates; that both dates lied about what they looked like online by presenting themselves in their best light in their angled pictures; that the few girls at the gym are either conceited or difficult to cold approach with their earbuds in; that I’m sabotaging 80 percent of the dating pool by shutting down the bar scene. To my surprise, Jennifer tells me that I’m a nice, stand up guy and very handsome; that I should go out with her daughter.

Its Saturday night and I can’t find my god damn shaver. I say fuck it and carefully bic my pubic region. Few years back I had a broad look at me in utter disbelief when she went down on me, saying ‘omg your shaved,’ as if I was a unicorn in a field of hairy mules. Anyways I grab my ball flab and Bic every hair follicle. Of course I start bleeding from 4 different spots. I shower it off and jump into my best fuck boi jeans and this crimson polyester Apt 9 shirt from Kohls. Jennifer told me her daughter Amber is going to be at the Perfect Caper at 8PM. I don’t even call an Uber, and just take the keys to one of my dad’s cars. I connect the auxiliary jack to my phone and vibe to Gorod’s The Orb. Being the fuck boi that I am, I sit in the back parking lot until 8:10PM to let her know I’m a high value man and the last guy on earth to worship women; that, in terms of dating, there is no desperation on my end because I come from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. From a block away I see that Amber’s smoking a fag outside the Perfect Caper. She looks just like the picture her mother showed me. I quickly grab the phone out of my pocket to make it look like I’m higher value than I actually am (the abundance mindset). I slide right next to Amber and tell my phone I’ll call you back later. ‘Hi there, you must be Amber?’ YOU’RE TEN MINUTES LATE. Being the fuck boi that I am, I straight up tell her the truth: ‘yea sorry I had to close the deal on this commercial property last second.’ MY MOM SAID YOU JUST GOT OUT OF REHAB AND PAINT CARS. ‘why would you date a guy that paints cars LOL.’ Shall we?

They seat us in the back of Perfect Cape. Amber has the menu towards her face and I see the unhappy date fumes dazzling around her pretty face. This broad lookswise is definitely several notches above my last two dates. However, it looks like we got on the wrong foot and that this evening is doomed for disaster. I order the Pappardelle & Mushroom. Amber orders the second most expensive item on the menu: the Crab Cake. I facetiously tell her I sure hope the immaculate Chef Jeanie Roland is in the kitchen tonight. She retorts ‘shouldnt be a problem.. you being a commercial realtor and all.’ This bitch has quite the sense of humor. And to think my initial impression was that she’s just a red head freckle faced airhead. The rest of the conversation was just close-ended questions with one word responses. To make matters worse, the Prada-sunglass wearing, mirror dancing, conceited “supermodel” Blondie from my gym is waitressing in the front of the restaurant. She gives me several evil looks probably because I gave her the wrong phone number last week lols. Anyways after Amber finishes her dish she gets another glass of Pinot Grigio. I bluntly tell her your mother’s in the last week of rehab. SO? ‘didnt mean it like that. You must be excited for her to move in with you when she gets out?’ NO! ‘oh okay.’ Amber then gets up to use the loo. After about ten minutes I’m wondering where the fuck she’s at. You think maybe she did a runner?? The old couple at the table next to me sees that I’m anxious and says, ‘youre fine honey just saw your Juliette in the bathroom.’ Another 5 minutes pass and I’m now thinking maybe I should do a runner. This broad is an unhappy bitter birdbrain anyway. Nothing coital is going to happen anyway. The “supermodel” selfie mirror girl stomps up to my table, ‘heres your damn check…. why did you give me the wrong number, dick head?’ umm urm, ‘i gotta go to the bathroom.’ I wait for some old geezer to finish up at the urinal then go into the stall with the window. I pull the window up and try to squeeze through. Motherfuckrr I’m stuck. I hear some queezing to my right: it’s Amber. She vehemently spews ‘what the fuck are you doing, KYLE?’ ‘what do you think I’m doing!’ WAS I THAT BAD OF A DATE THAT YOU HAD TO DO A RUNNER. ‘you were the first one stuck, einstein.’ YOURE THE WORST DATE IVE EVER HAD. YOURE NOT NICE. YOUR SARCASM IS BAD. YOURE A FUCK BOI LIAR WHO DOESNT KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY. TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG AND BE TRUTHFUL. well um (should I tell her how she didn’t try and has the personality of a pitbull eating a cockroach?) um I should’ve been nicer but you barely tried yourself. but you’re right I didn’t give you a fair shot. SEE WAS THAT SO HARD. WHY COULDNT YOU BE LIKE THAT DURING OUR DATE…. I must say seeing Amber like this with her bent over heebajeeba cleavage and how emotionally charged up she is, I just wanna smash. She’s definitely hotter than I thought she was. HEY HEY IM TALKING TO YOU. HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE. ‘call someone. call your mom to pull us out of here.’ Our waitress goes into Amber’s bathroom, ‘maam is everything ok’. YES EVERYTHINGS OK JUST FRESHENING UP ILL BE OUT SOON. ‘ok ma’am as long as your ok and alive’. I tell Amber to call her mom or someone to help us out of this awkward predicament. She says WHY DONT YOU CALL SOMEONE. I tell her I just moved to this town and I know nobody. She says ‘i know someone but you have to call’ (I understand top shelf bird like herself is probably embarrassed). Someone comes into my bathroom and I tell her shh be quiet for minute. A cacophony of shard into the urinal next to me. Amber whispers IS THAT YOU. yea. I roll my eyes. Shardmaster departs and Amber tosses me her phone as I stretch my hand out. It slides off my index finger and I go tumbling down out the window onto a bunch of trash. HURRY UP AND PULL ME OUT. I grab her hand. OMG IS THAT SHIT. I Pull her out and her tank top rips. She lands right into my arms halfnaked. We both start laughing and we makeout for a solid minute. She smiles ‘I LIKE THIS NEW KYLE.’ ‘My real name is Frank :).’

Back into the restaurant the old couple is wondering if Romeo/Juliet did a runner. Grandma asks the “supermodel” dancing waitress if they’re okay. She scowls IDK. The front door of the Perfect Caper swigs open and a half naked girl and a guy with shit on him come giggling in with their arms holding each other. I go up to our table and drop $200 cash. Then Amber and I leave for her place. The next morning I get up to piss in Amber’s loo. I lay back down next to her and check my phone. A Facebook request from Amber. I accept. The next notification is a request to be in a relationship with Amber. LOL